In a candid interview with DailyMailTV, actress and director Asia Argento spoke at length about boyfriend Anthony Bourdain’s shocking suicide, and admitted that she and Bourdain both had affairs during their two-year relationship.

In the tearful televised interview, Argento described feeling demonized by the public and the media for possibly having a role in Bourdain’s suicide. She insisted that while she did “cheat” on him, he also had outside relationships and they both were accepting of them. Argento said that while she had no idea Bourdain was struggling with his mental health, she believes there is no way that her purported affair with a French journalist — who she was photographed with just days before Bourdain died — would have driven him to suicide.

 “People say I murdered him. They say I killed him,” Argento said.

“But I understand that the world needs to find a reason. I would like to find a reason too. I don’t have it. Maybe I would feel some solace in thinking there was something that happened.”

Discussing their apparent open relationship, Argento said, “Anthony was 62, I was 42. We had lives, we had wives and husbands, we had children. I cannot think of Anthony as somebody who would do an extreme gesture like this for something like that.”

And while Argento insisted that her relationships with other men could not have played a role in Bourdain’s suicide, she expressed deep regret and failing to see that he was struggling.

“What I do feel terrible about is that he had so much pain inside of him and he didn’t share it,” Argento said.

“I did not see it. And for that I will feel guilty for the rest of my life.”